Thursday, July 28, 2011

No longer a Baby..MKLI writing prompts

This post is inspired by Mamakatslosinit writer's workshop (see badge above).

A moment that I realized my child was growing up:

In March 2010 I found out over the phone that my 21 year old son was going to be a father. At first my heart felt broken because of the rocky relationship he has with the mother. They were both so young and immature. I could only think of how hard it was going to be for them. My heart felt the same way it did when he would come home from school upset because someone had picked on him. I wanted to protect him. I worried about my baby becoming the father of  a baby. I worried about him not having a good role model for a father to be able to use as a guide.

Then I saw the pictures of him holding his beautiful granddaughter. Then I heard the excitement in his voice soon after she was born as he was talking about her weight, her reactions, cutting the cord, etc... Then I heard the concern in his voice when the Dr.'s became concerned when her mother was bleeding too much too long. Then I saw him on webcam showing off his little daughter and laughing with her at 2 in the morning.

I know this time spans several weeks, but it's this whole event that made me see my son in a way other than as just my son.

My baby has grown up.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Goodbye Tears

So, my sister has gone home from our vacation. We lounged on the beach, swam in the pool at night, then finished up with a couple drinks in the hot tub. I haven't laughed or cried so much in a very long time. It felt good to just be able to leave some problems, worries, and decisions behind if just for a couple days.

We stayed at ta hotel where we had a 15 minute drive  to the beach, but I'm so glad we didn't stay somewhere else. It ended up being perfect! 

On the morning she had to be at the airport we were both feeling just kind of.... BLEH!!! First thing that morning I stubbed my pinky toe on my right foot on the corner of the bed. By the time we got to the airport it had swollen and turned all kinds of blue and purple. I guess I broke it. I'm not one to cry a lot....especially in front of people, but when it was time for her to go through security I started crying because I've just been going through so much drama that it felt good to have someone I love and who loves me (over the age of 4) to talk with and she was leaving. She started crying. We both cried all the way home.  Even though she's just a call away it's not the same as having her here. Now I'm back in the real world. Facing tough decisions and not knowing how or where to find the best solution.
I feel so lost and unmotivated. All I really want to do is lay around  while eating chips and surfing the web...all in between naps. Sometimes I get angry with myself thinking that if I would've/could've/should've done things differently then I wouldn't be in such a mess. Sometimes I get angry at Scrooge thinking that if he would've/could've/should've done things differently then I wouldn't be in such a mess. He's got the kids for the week since my sister came for vacation. I don't have them right now. This is a taste of what it would be like to not have them with me all the time. How can I live without them? I'm their mother. They are my babies. I don't know if I can let Scrooge keep them just to avoid them going through a custody battle. I can understand why some parents would take their children and run away. If I didn't care about hurting Scrooge I would. If I didn't care about hurting Scrooge then I would just insist they be with me and that would be that.
I feel like such a whiny baby when I'm in a mood like this. I am thankful that my kids are healthy. No matter which parent they live with that's the most important thing. I try to think of all the parents whose children are sick or have passed away.

On a brighter side....I finally registered for my classes today. I decided to take a full schedule. I'm going to have to have something to keep me busy and fill in the hours my kids use to fill everyday. I'm excited about school. I can show my oldest son that you can get back in school even when you're older. I'll be able to get into a field so that even if I am not physically there with my kids everyday I can be using my time to do things that benefit them in the long run.

Even though I try to look at the bright side of things my mind just keeps coming back to the goodbyes...I hate goodbyes. Unless it's a goodbye to this fucking depression.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Vlog entry...MKLI writing prompts

I'm taking my inspiration from Mamakatslosinit site (see badge above) and trying a Vlog this week....first one EVER!! My sister's airplane is arriving in about 2 hours and I have to hurry! hurry! hurry!, so I thought the vlog would be faster. Since I only used one attempt to make it....surprise!!!....I was right. I'm whispering because it's naptime.


Sunday, July 17, 2011

...THE best thing for my kids.

My kids are visiting with their father. I miss them. Technically it's no different than if I was going out to work or going to visit family without them. But it's breaking my heart because I try to imagine having it like this all the time if they live with their dad for most of the time. How can I even consider letting him keep them  just because of the pain I heard in his voice when talking about not being around his kids. I think it's because I understand that, as a black man with kids, he doesn't want to fit the stereotype that so many black fathers aren't involved in their kids lives. His biological father had several kids, and wasn't really involved (even though he was there physically) in the lives of a lot of them from what I understand. I'm sure this has something to do with the desperation Scrooge seems to be feeling when faced with having to leave his kids.

I feel like saying tough luck asshole...maybe you should have thought more carefully about your words and actions towards me so neither of us would be in this situation.

Thank goodness that my meds are working wonderfully because I'm sure I'd be a basket-case if they weren't. No matter what happens I have to remember these things:

1.  Doing the best thing for my kids...not for me and not for Scrooge.... is THE top priority.
2.  I am a good mother...even if some people may make wrong assumptions about me if my kids father has physical custody....the best thing for my kids is THE top priority..not pleasing other people.
3.  Lots of other parents go through this everyday and survive and have good relationships with their kids because they believe doing the best thing for the kids is THE top priority.
4.  Not living with my kids doesn't mean not being in my kid's lives.
5.  Somebody has to take the "high road".

Now convincing myself this is all true is a whole other issue. I have to realize that the best thing for my kids may not FEEL like the best thing for me, but in the long run the best thing for my kids really IS the best thing for me....ok...I even confused myself on that last sentence, so I better quit while I'm ahead.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

How do you know what's best for the kids?

Scrooge has been asking to set up joint custody with the kids living with him and me being able to see them whenever I want. I know he loves his kids more than anything, but I love them too. They love both of us. I don't know how to go about making the decision of who they get to stay with. I don't side with the idea that kids  should automatically be with their mother. Their are plenty of wonderful stay-at-home dads who take excellent care of their kids while mom works. My father raised me and was an awesome parent. Scrooge is that kind of father. I have no worries about them living with him. The selfish part of me wants to say, " HELL NO! my kids are gonna be with me! The part of me that wants the best for my kids says to consider pros and cons of each situation. I've been through a bad custody battle for my oldest son who is 22 now. I hated that he had to go through that and was put in the middle, but I didn't have a choice in that case. His father was an alcoholic and couldn't even take care of himself.

I will do anything to keep that from happening to my 3 youngest. I don't want them to feel the pain of thinking we're arguing over them...because of them. I just want them to have a peaceful childhood where both parents are a major part of their lives and can be there for them.

If I stay active in my children's lives and see them every week will they know I love them? Am I a terrible mother to even consider letting their father have primary custody. We would only live about 10 minutes apart, and I'm prepared to move anywhere I need to to stay close to them if he ever needed to move due to work or something. I'm so confused. I love my kids. Love Love Love them...what's the best thing for them? 

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Something That Made Me laugh...MKLI writing prompts

This post is inspired by mamakatslosinit weekly writing prompts. ( see badge at top of blog)

Share a joke that always makes me laugh:

Well, instead of a joke that makes me laugh, I have a story that brings me to tears almost every time I think of it, and I can NEVER tell it without laughing to the point that I almost can't tell it. It's never as funny to anyone who wasn't there to see it, and I'm sure they think I'm crazy for thinking it's so hilarious. The person involved in this story still tells the story (or at least his wife does), and laughs about it himself, so I'm safe to tell it.

Several years ago my ex and I had were really close friends with another couple that we always hung out with, going to the lake, movies, cooking out, dinner, etc.... The lady I'll refer to as "D" and the hubby as "A".

A had wanted a boat for a long time. A and D and their kids loved spending time at the lake. Finally A got his boat and one beautiful Saturday we all set off for a day of fun in the sun at the Lake. After riding around and pulling the kids on the raft behind the boat we decided it was time for some lunch and rest. We decided to pull up to one of the many small Islands in the middle of this lake and get out for a picnic. A slowly trolls up close to the shore of this island so he could hop out of the boat to tie it off. Now A is not a short guy...around 6'2 or 6'3, and you'd think that this would not be a problem, except the shore dropped off quickly instead of being a gradual slope like most beaches. A, being his coolest on his new boat, places a hand on the side of the boat and hops over the side. When he realized that he was not hitting the bottom as expected and the water was deeper than he was tall.....the look on his face was PRICELESS right before he goes completely underwater leaving his cap floating like a buoy. He comes up spitting and sputtering with his glasses cocked  over to the side and only hooked around one ear. He has to swim to the front of the boat and get the rope again before climbing out and tying the boat off. By this time his wife D and I and my ex were all laughing so hard that we couldn't get off the boat because that would've required a little 'hop' from boat to shore. We could barely even stand up.  As we were laying there in the sun after lunch and everything was so quiet one of the 3 of us would burst into laughter again.

Just picturing the look on his face as he went deeper and deeper into the water has me laughing everytime...I'll never forget that look. I've often wish I had it on video because I'm sure we could have won the $100,000 on Funny Home Videos...loll.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Judge and Jury

O.k. I'm going to just go ahead and say it. I am glad Casey Anthony wasn't convicted of the charges related to her daughter Caylee's death.

From the beginning I didn't like the way people and the media were like a pack of wolves. They seemed to be unwilling to step back and try to access the situation from another view point. It's hard for me to imagine that someone in their right mind would go to such detailed lengths to pull off a lie, but I'm not her and have never been in her shoes.

As far as the partying, I knew that that didn't match up with the way that most people would behave if their child were truly missing. At first I didn't understand it, but then I thought that maybe she knew that Caylee wasn't alive. At this point I started leaning toward her having done something to the child, but always in the back of my mind I tried to remember that human beings are complex creatures and that no two are alike. I felt that maybe I really shouldn't decide how another person should act in a certain situation just because it didn't match up with the way I thought they should act. Goodness knows I'm not perfect.

After the opening arguments of the trial and the allegations of sexual abuse surfaced some things made more sense to me. If a child goes through that then you just never know what that's going to do to them psychologically. The results of the computer searches sounded funny to me. I mean we're talking about a 2 yr. old. Why would someone need to google "neck breaking" if planning to murder a 2 yr. old. I watched most of the trial and the prosecution just didn't present enough evidence to convince me this child was cold-heartedly murdered...which was what the charges were about. I could just as easily have saw a terrible accident happening and for stupid reasons it was covered up.

I could have been behind charges and conviction of some type of child neglect charges or involuntary manslaughter...something. I believe in being innocent until proven guilty, and I just don't think she was proven guilty of what they charged her with. I wouldn't want someone I loved to be convicted for a crime that wasn't proven, In recent years, there have been too many cases where convictions have been overturned because at the time of conviction all they had was circumstancial evidence and then after advances in DNA testing these people were proven innocent. This even happened in cases where there were witnesses and/or the victim was able to testify.

If other evidence were to surface I could change my mind, but as of now, I think the Jury did a good job.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Putting things in perspective

It's been over 3 weeks since Scrooge was arrested. I teeter-totter through emotions depending on what's going on at the time. I try to keep things as normal as possible for the kids while living in a hotel (thank goodness I have the ability to do that). I try to explain the concept of  "vacation" to them, but since we've never really had a family vacation, and they're so young, they really don't "get it".

Sometimes things are good..sometimes they're not. Last week  we all got bug bites while watching dolphins swim around the pier. No big deal right? Throw on some Calamine lotion and be done with it. Except Zavie wouldn't stop scratching that first night..even after being slathered in anti-itch creams and dosed with a children's allergy med. The next day when we woke up he developed blisters about the size of a standard pencil eraser all over his legs. Some were oozing...(these were bug bites I assume he got the evening before), so I took him to the  E.R. He had scratched the bites and they had became infected...after 1 night?? O.K. so I got the anti-biotics and prescription allergy meds and he was good to go. Then a little over a week later Zindie wakes up with a 103 degree fever. Gave her Ibuprofen and nothing happened. After an urgent care visit, a follow-up with her pediatrician, and a trip to the hospital for chest x-rays it was determined that she has Pneumonia and a UTI. Now she's on two anti-biotics, ibuprofen, and breathing treatments with a nebulizer. She's sleeping, not eating, barely drinking, and complaining of a headache. She's never mentioned a headache or thrown up before.I feel responsible because we're living in a hotel at the moment.

Maybe I am a terrible mom? They've never really been sick before now two major things in a couple weeks under my care? Since I have no babysitter it means I have to drag my sick child out if she needs anything, along with the other 2. It's times like these that I second guess my decision to call the police. I wonder if I should have just packed the kiddos and left. At least then Scrooge could've came to the hospital to help in situations like that.

This evening I had to take Zindie for her follow-up appt. I, as usual, loaded the things that are most valuable to me back into the car. I was scheduled for check out at 11 am the next day, so I decided to bring everything but the food items in the fridge just in case they put Xindia in the hospital because I didn't want to have to leave her alone to come back and pick up our things if that happened. Since the appt. was at 6pm I didn't leave until 5:30 pm. I placed the 'do not disturb' sign on the door and left. I got back home at 8:30pm with 3 hungry kids thinking I'd make them a quick dinner and get them to bed. EXCEPT......My room had been cleaned, and ALL of the food left in the fridge had been thrown away. I drive back around to the office, and I'm pissed but manage to be nice to the front-desk worker because I know it's not her fault. I asked her, "What's the deal with my room? I'm paid through tomorrow at 11 am and someone has cleaned my room (after 5:30 pm), and thrown away all my food. Turns out someone in housekeeping saw me putting some things in my vehicle and all on their own decided I must be leaving. Front desk lady gives me $15 off of the night's rate and a voucher for free breakfast for everyone at their restaurant (kids under 10 already eat free). The restaurant isn't open at nights, so I had to drive out somewhere and get some food. My 3 year old has waited so long to go to potty while sitting in drive-thru line that she pees in her pants/carseat and starts wailing which causes Zindie, who's sick, to start crying because the wailing is hurting her head (poor thing).

I feel like such a bitch because I  snapped  at the kids earlier in the car. This is NOT my parenting style, or my nature. I need to get a handle on it. They are just babies who've had their lives totally uprooted with no way of really understanding what's going on.  I love my babies, and I don't want to mix them up even more by acting differently than the mother they know.