Friday, April 11, 2014

It's been a while

I took a break. A long break because I'd hoped maybe I didn't need this place to "vent" and share any longer. I hoped the reasons I started it were long gone. I'm back for a while because right now I need this place to write it out. Not just to myself, but to anyone else who may be going through this. It's never good to feel like you're alone. If anyone can benefit, even if it's by learning to NOT make my same mistakes, even if it's just finding solace in company then I'm glad it can help. It helps me to know that I'm not being completely silent.

I just don't know where to start. Since the spring of 2012 I have hung on to the belief that Scrooge would finally fulfill his dream and graduate and be fine with us separating. We made an agreement back then that if I would stay until he graduated he would willingly work out a custody agreement with me. To me, my misery for staying with him for the next 18 months in order to save my kids the hurt of a custody  battle was a small price to pay for a good end result. He agreed to "chilling out" during this time, and letting me kind of "do my own thing" with living, parenting, etc.

Well, that last part went out the window. Truthfully, I hadn't expected him to be able to uphold that part of the deal very well. I was happy as long as physical violence wasn't in the picture ever. I never counted on having my possessions destroyed out of anger though. Still, I hung on to hope that things could stay together long enough to let him graduate before we split. I knew that him graduating would benefit my kids tremendously. Last fall, during another "discussion" around the beginning of his final semester he let me know that because I had said I wanted to leave during the whole situation of my possessions being destroyed that he thought our "agreement" was off....even though I DIDN'T leave. That meant he would no longer agree to a separation without fighting me for custody "with everything left in his body" if that's what it took. There was NO WAY he was going to let his kids be raised in a way he disagreed with by letting an irrational, illogical, uneducated, society-following, fat mother who would teach them all her "bad ways' and be fine with it. I actually paraphrased it into nicer language than he used. This was nothing I hadn't heard a thousand times before though. His personal insults have been so fast and hard during the years that I've become more immune to them. They don't hurt like they use to because I view them as coming from someone who wants what is best for him and no one else...especially not me.

Of course, the threats of what may happen to my peace came out as he he was warning me against taking him to court to "take his kids away". he feels our relationship is so volatile (on his part) that we can't co parent if we can't even talk. Co-parenting is off the table for us in his eyes, so it's got to be one or the other parent raising our kids. Now, of course, he SAYS that he would "walk away" and leave it to me and just send support to keep the peace, if he could feel sure that I could raise them into responsible, thinking adults. Since he cant' trust that, then they WILL  be with him. I know this is really humbo-jumbo he's talking to justify his actions (which he may or may not really think is best).

The thing of it is, I have always thought he was as good of a parent as almost anyone. All parents make mistakes and have their own parenting flaws. I have mine. I don't feel confident in being able to be consistent with discipline in behavioral and academic areas because I have only my experience with my oldest son who I raised in an physically and verbally abusive home. He's not a bad kid, and I could have done a worse job parenting, but I realize I could have done much better also. I am not against Scrooge having primary custody with me having visitations if that's what it take to give my kids a peaceful life. However,  Scrooge is so insistent on this idea that we can't co-parent in a healthy way that I must be the one to walk away...just walk away like I don't exist.

I've been dealing with this since around September of last year. I feel so angry. First, if it wasn't for me inheriting money from a family member in 2006 he would have had to work to support his kids and MAYBE be able to go to school too. We bought and paid for a small house. He had NEVER had to work outside the home since December 2006. He could focus on starting a business to bring in residual income (which is what he always talked about), school, or whatever. I wanted to work. I always thought it was stupid to not work at all and just live off that money while "hoping" to make an investment or build a business to keep going. Especially, if we hadn't even attempted to do anything other than "research" options for each one. But he was always so against me working a "J.O.B." that he would put me down for being OK with allowing other to hand me a paycheck and dictate my life. It became too much of a struggle to even argue that point anymore, so I gave it up. I was always belittled for spending any of  "my" money on anything HE thought was unnecessary. As long as HE thought it was necessary it was ok of course. I knew we were getting down to the low on money and thought there was enough to last almost a year after he graduated. It would have been enough for me to take a little to get an apartment and get a start in my new life after moving out although, I knew I'd have to work. He would have to go to work too, but it would have given us  few months cushion to work with in an emergency while we were getting things straight with the separation.

I found out several weeks ago that he had used the saving we had set back separately to pay for his last year in school...without even warning me. So we had about $15,000 less than I thought which leaves us with only a couple months of living expenses money. This means that when I do leave I will not have anything to start on. He wants me to leave the kids. He wants me to sign over the house completely to him (with nothing in return). I will have nothing...not even a dependable car since he hasn't kept up maintenance on our 2 cars and was totally against paying someone else to do it. I never even got the chance to get my teeth fixed with the money left to ME because I was so focused on trying to do whatever I could (although it was never good enough) to help him get his degree. Now when I move out I will be living in a car with no way to keep it going until I can get a job (which after being a SAHM for YEARS and having no degree or formal training may be hard to do in the economy). I will have to work while I go to school....if I can even mentally make myself finish. I have always been able to pick myself up and start again, but this time if feels like too much destruction to rebuild from. I am angry. I am sick. I am tired..too tired to even argue anymore.

There is so much more, but I do have to try to finish this semester with decent grades for when I can and do continue with school. There is so much more to tell....so many changes since I've written here last. I'll share later.

I'm sure this has a lot of typos. I suppose I should fix them to make sure all is clear. I wanted to just write it all the way I was feelings it without putting too much into making it acceptable. Maybe I'll edit it at a later time. For now, it will be left as is. True to what comes to my mind as I'm writing it.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Telemarketer Love....MKLI writing prompts

I've decided to go to the inspiration part of mama kat's writing prompts instead of using the prompts she has posted this week because:
1.) Girl's night out---non-existent
2.) If Social Media died tomorrow---I don't want to imagine it
3.) Share a Summer Camp memory---I never went to summer camp
4.) Write about a time you were scolded…as an adult---I'll be doing that all most everyday
5.) Describe an incident that upset you when you were pregnant---There were so many I couldn't possibly choose one


We love telemarketers don't we!?! Describe a memorable experience you had with one.

Since I usually immediately hang up I don't really have many from the receiving end, but I  have  been  THE %^&%#%!! who has called you before. A few years ago I briefly worked at a call center for 2 days=16 hours=960 minutes...you get the idea....I hated it. I'd never been called as many things during my whole life as I was during those 2 days...Sometimes without getting further than saying my name. When I was hired I was told that I wouldn't have to make any outbound calls...I would only be taking calls from people who actually want to talk to us. They didn't mention that even though I didn't have to make any calls a computer was calling for me, and I'd be talking to the people who pushed some extension number. Turns out most of these people were pushing the fucking button to be removed from the call list because it was the only way they could speak to a live person. Three different calls stand out to me for three different reasons...one of these calls being the reason I quit.

Call #1. There was a man who said he didn't need my help adjusting his card payments, but since he was in the process of (use your imagination) when I called I could help him by just talking in that "sexy, southern accent". EWWW. That was probably the only caller who I hung up on before they could hang up on me.

Call #2. A lady asked very nicely to tell her a little bit about the way I could help her. I gave her the whole presentation line we're suppose to give when someone shows some interest and actually stays on the phone for longer than 10 seconds. She started asking a lot of follow up questions. Finally, after about 10 minutes I asked if she was ready to begin the process to see if she qualified for the program.

Her: Why YES she was, and she was so glad. I was an answer to a prayer because she'd been having some financial issues.
Me: Ok. mam. I'm glad I can assist you. (me trying to sound like the professional I'm not).
Now I start taking her name, address, occupation...blah..blah..blah and I get to the part of asking her her card number.
Her: O.k. great, it's 4-0-0-(cue voice change as in the exorcist) KISS MY C%^&**   YOU F#%$^ING  LITTLE B(&^%%$^ . you better NEVER, NEVER, NEVER call my F%^$$ING NUMBER AGAIN> BEFORE I ^&%*(*%&^#^&*#&*%^&^%&*^&%&(()^%$^^&$!^&%$$**%^&%^. (A three minute rant) TAKE MY NUMBER OFF YOUR %^&*&%%   LIST.
Me: (still trying to sound professional) Thank you mam. I'll be happy to remove your number. Please be advised that it ta....CLICK...dial tone.

Call #3. After about 4 rings a lady answered sounding like she was out of breath. I gave her my name and why I was calling. She sounded so pitiful. She said "please oh please stop calling me. I'm 78 years old and just recently had a heart procedure done. I live by myself and if I'm not near the phone when you people call then I have to strain myself to get to the phone." I apologized and felt so guilty. I thought of my grandmother and what if my call caused this lady to have a heart attack or something?
This call was about 10 minutes before quitting time. I just left without saying anything. I didn't want to be a pain in the ass to someone else. We actually only got paid by commission, so I hadn't even made any money for sitting there those 2 days.

TIP FOR WHEN TELEMARKETERS CALL: I know with the calling system my employers used it could take up to 30 days to get a number on the Do Not Call list and out of the system. We were to advise people of this and let them know that if they answered any phone calls from us again within those 30 days, and selected an option to speak with someone, then the whole process of putting their name back on the Do Not Call list and waiting 30 days would begin again. The problem is most people don't listen long enough for you to tell them this, so they keep getting put back on the call list each time they push an option button.
So folks whatever you do DO NOT PUSH  repeat DO NOT PUSH that button. Hey sounds kind a like the nurse who delivered my first daughter.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Breaktime


I'm happy to say that this school year is over in 3-4 more weeks. It depends on how fast we cover the material left in the lesson planner.

I will be happy to have a break from checking off the attendance each day. Checking off the lessons. Uploading and sending our Portfolio items.

A FEW OF THE CONS OF HOMESCHOOLING (FOR ME):

schedules: 
If it were completely up to me I would probably do more self-directed learning with my kids. I try to do that now as much as possible while following the planner from the public virtual school Zindie is enrolled in. I nearly drove myself crazy trying to follow a schedule during the first semester. I'm NOT good doing detailed schedules. When I make an attempt I end up feeling like my head will explode, or what I imagine it would be like if my head were to explode. I can stick to a basic schedule. Something like Monday: clean the car, go to post office Tuesday: call dentist office.

Now I take the lessons from the planner and read them to Zindie to find out which one she is more interested in for the day. If she's not into it I'll make up something different to do that accomplishes the same thing. Some days we skip a subject all together and make it up by focusing on doing that stuff for that subject another day.

kids around 99.9% of the time:
I was an only child in my household. I was raised by my father and never spent the night with my mother (after the age of 1), so I never spent time with my siblings growing up. Other than the experience with my kids, I don't know how siblings interact on a day to day basis when they're small. Sometimes the amount of petty bickering makes me freak-out thinking they're going to never enjoy each other's company as adults. The All. The. Time. noise sometimes drives me a little crazy, and I find myself screaming just to be heard over the noise. The I'll have to watch a few episodes of Supernanny to regroup and gain reminders of how to control the chaos.

constantly explaining how homeschool kids can be well socialized:
This is possibly one of the most irritating things about homeschooling. I have asked  'The Askers' if their child gets in trouble often for talking during class. When they (usually) say no I explain that it's probably that they're doing school work during the day rather than socializing. "Since they usually have on average a 30 minute lunch, a 30 minute recess, and maybe and hour total before/after school then they don't really get that much time to "socialize". My kids have and hour or two on most days at the park having free-time playing with kids of their choice (instead of being stuck with the same kids day in and day out). Some days when we go to storytime, the science museum, or some other event they spend  more time than that. They spend time with people of all ages rather than mostly people their own age. Most homeschool families I know spend plenty of time interacting with others their age. On top of all this, I would like to be the one to model the behavior my kids see the majority of  time rather than them watching how other kids behave and trying to follow that. As we all know, the socializing kids receive from peers these days isn't always the best or we wouldn't have to have national  "stop the bullying", "stop the violence" campaigns year round. School is not the ONLY answer for teaching our kids to adjust and survive in society. It's a fine fit for some families, and there is NOTHING wrong with that...it's just not the best for our family RIGHT NOW.



A FEW OF THE PROS OF HOMECHOOLING (FOR ME):

kids around 99.9% of the time:
Despite the noise and bickering and my wanting to just have a break already! I enjoy being around my kids, and on the days that I manage to be a super cool, calm and collected mom who does science projects and declares we'll have school time at the pool, I think my kids enjoy being around me too. Maybe not so much on the "ok...we're going to have a clean-the-whole-house" days.

no homework:
Of course with homeschooling all the work is homework, but it's not done on top of having to spend 7-8 hours apart each day and still needing to fit in dinner, sports, and baths. When we're done with schoolwork we're not really DONE since we try to incorporate what we're learning into things we're doing for real life lessons, but we don't have to sit down filling out worksheets until it's time to get ready for dinner or bath time.

I'll admit to having days when I just wanted to march these kids into the office of our local school and say "here they are..you do it!"  (since we're doing virtual school through our public school system it really is easy...it's just a matter of transferring like we would to switch from one school to another). If I did this, it would only be because in that moment I would be giving into wanting the school to babysit them.

Next year we'll be participating in a local co-op homeschool group one day per week. I'm excited about it, and I hope it'll be the break we need to break up the hum-drum without having to drive an hour to the science and art museums in the area.  We do this on a regular basis now, but sometimes it's not too convenient.



 

Friday, March 22, 2013

Release

Why I lost my faith. Why I moved from devoted Christian, to confused Christian, to doubtful Agnostic. 

I was raised in a Christian home. Actively going to church until right before I moved out on my own as I turned 18. I tried to live my life according to the bible. I admit that in those first few years of being on my own, I made mistakes. I pushed boundaries by smoking and drinking. Then I buckled down and really got serious. 

I thought that all the bad things that happened to me must be because I wasn't a strong enough Christian. In my mind, it was always something I wasn't doing right. The I began to be angry at the God I thought existed. When I had questions they were always answered in a way that removed any blame from him, He knows best. His Will be done. God doesn't make mistakes. God gives us free will. Then he got all the glory for the good things. If a child died of Cancer...we shouldn't question why, but if a child didn't die of cancer then we should praise God.

It began to sound too "iffy" to  me. What was the point in spending my time, money, and hope in Someone who seemed to randomly show up. Someone who couldn't be bothered to at least save innocent children from being molested, beaten, dying from cancer?

I could understand better about bad things happening to the adults who had grown up to do nasty things to others. Even then, it left me to question this idea of free-will and the fairness of it all. How much free-will does a person really have if they've been mistreated, abandoned, and taught wrong from a young age. So much to the point that it effects their mental capacity to really understand why certain actions are wrong. I'm not talking about insanity, but just never really having been taught good from bad in anything other than the most general abstract terms.

I can't believe there is a God who would allow these things to happen to me throughout my life. I don't deserve it, and I just now realize that it IS NOT RIGHT! If there were a God...why would I care to serve him when he COULD have stepped in and helped me out many times. Did he want to test me? Well if he did, then the bible was wrong because he did give me more than I could handle. 

I have friends and cousins who did some of the same "rebellion" I did as a teenager, but they managed to find a partner for life who loved and cherished them. They were never molested as a child. They were not abandoned by their mother. Why? Why even as a young age was I given so much to carry by a so-called loving "god" who was suppose to love me?   If he gives free-will, why couldn't he have at least made it so that these things were discovered when they first happened even if he wouldn't/couldn't stop it himself?

Don't get me wrong...I had a set of loving grandparents, a dad, and an aunt who were wonderful and in most ways my childhood was awesome. They never knew of the molestation by an older cousin. They had no reason to suspect I guess.

Instead of saying "what did I do to deserve all this?" I choose to not believe in a God who would allow this. He never made it better when I was or wasn't serving or believing in him. I've had equally bad times through out. He never made it better when my first husband was yanking me around by my hair while I was praying in my mind "Jesus...please help me. Please!" I would go to church and pray harder. Try to treat others even better. Then I'd get home and face it again and be blamed for going to church because I thought the Pastor was "good-looking".  




Thursday, March 21, 2013

Hickory DIckory Dock...MKLI writing prompts

This post is inspired by the writing prompts found at Mamakatslosinit.com. The prompts are an awesome way to get through a slump when you feel like you can't find anything to write about. Write the post. Then just link back and join in the fun.

My choice this week was#1: Write a post that begins and ends with the same line. 

The clock was ticking away as I lay in bed waiting for the sounds of stirring in the rooms down the hall and the faint traces of sunlight slipping in around the closed blinds. I thought how comforting the ticking was in the otherwise quiet house.

The day took a turn for the worse while the kids were at a neighbor's birthday party. Scrooge decided he'd had enough of whatever it was pissing him off at the moment. He slammed my laptop on the floor busting it open then disassembled it to snap the hard drive, cut my purse in two, shredded the paper contents that was in the purse, and smashed the antique chair that belonged to my grandfather.  I talked about it here
This chair was the chair my grandfather and I had spent many hours in while he held me on his lap telling me stories. He was blind, but his imagination painted magical images for me. 

The broken chair hurt more than any insults could ever hurt. Now it will never hold it's special place by my Christmas tree again.

As I lay in the psych care unit, after being Baker-Acted for suicidal thoughts, all I could think about was the lost pictures and the broken chair...not the hatefullness behind what caused their demise. 

There was no TV there. No magazines to pass the time until the psychiatrist could make his rounds. Only a nurses desk and a clock. 

That clock was ticking away as I lay in bed waiting for the sounds of stirring in the rooms down the hall and the faint traces of sunlight slipping in around the closed blinds.