Saturday, May 28, 2011

Rambling Words

I never thought I'd hear Zindie say she was too tired to play anymore". Today was a good day of playing at the park, having a banana and yogurt 'picnic' in the car, and library time. All the kids played the whole day with no nap. That, along with the unusual treat of watching an hour of tv (Sesame Street) to wind down should give them all sweet dreams. I can't complain though because all of my kids usually sleep from 8 p.m. to 6:30 a.m. If Zavie doesn't wake up then the girls will sleep until 7 a.m. After the first 8 weeks they have all slept in their own beds and at least 5 hour stretches at night. I realise how fortunate I am in that area. It's been a life saver.

I have to admit that I stayed gone most of the day to avoid Scrooge and having to deal with the kids in his presence. It can be a challenge to take all of them out by myself, but it's better than the alternative. I'll take on three tired, complaining kids over a complaining adult any day. It's 8:55p.m. and I still have some studying to do.

What's the blogettiquette on mentioning other blogs we love to read on our own blog? Should I ask permission first?

Friday, May 27, 2011

Just when skies were blue

I was feeling so much better the last few months. I learned a couple days ago that I do not qualify for the free visits with my psychiatrist any longer due to policy changes. This sucks. No other mental health place in my area bills on a sliding scale. The least expensive rates I've found are $120 per hour. I don't have health insurance, and I can't afford that right now. So in less than 3 weeks I will be going off my depression meds cold-turkey unless something happens. At least I have plenty of my anxiety meds left since I only take those when I absolutely need them even though my prescription allows me to take them up to 3 times per day. Hopefully, they will be able to get me through the roughest parts until I can work something out OR possibly do ok  without the meds since I've been on them for about 6 months. can kiss my ass. Too many families are suffering financially.

Sometimes I feel like such a failure as a parent because my kids listen to their father so much better than me. Sometimes I'm just so tired from trying to meet his expectations and being on edge to try to not mess up around him that I just don't stay on top of them as much as I should if I want to be consistent with his parenting. When he's gone it's just such a relief for me when he has been in one of his "moods" for a long time (weeks) that I just feel like relaxing and taking a mental vacation.

I'm so excited that my sister from Va. told me she was going to be able to come here for her vacation in July. I'm so excited. She's my best friend in the world. It's hard to believe that we never really met more than a couple times until 2004 because I lived with my dad and she lived with our mom and dad. There's 9 years difference in our ages, and the few times I visited my mother over the years we didn't have much to talk about because of our age differences (I'm the oldest). The first time we decided to go out and have dinner we both admitted we had almost bailed out because we were nervous and worried about things being awkward. We ended up staying at Olive Garden for about 4 hours because we had so much in common. She's been my best-friend ever since. I can't wait for her to come. She'll be here for almost a whole week. Yeahhhh

Monday, May 23, 2011

Ebenezer Scrooge

I'm going to refer to my kid's father as Scrooge because he's generally about as pleasant to be around as Ebenezer Scrooge. I have a 22 year old son, a 4 & 3 year old daughter, and a 2 year old son. I only feel the need to try to keep this blog slightly anonymous  and not posting with real names and personal pics because Scrooge is totally paranoid about the dangers of the internet. I do try to keep the peace as much as possible.  I've slowly learned that it's better to just not worry about having things "my way". I have enough of a headache taking care of 3 small kids without having the added stress of arguing  with Scrooge just to show my independence.

I guess the difference between the cultures in which we were raised causes most of our differences. He's African-American (his family is from Trinidad). I'm caucasian. He grew up in New York City. I grew up in a rural area of south-western Virginia. He's always just had himself to consider until our first child was born. I've been taking care of a child since I was 17. He grew up in a home with strict rules. I grew up in a home where things were more laid back.

I haven't really had much of a chance to see him interact with people other than myself. We had both moved to Florida about the same time and hadn't really made any friends. Then our time was consumed by work, school, kids, pregnancy, and arguing... not really leaving lots of time to socialize together. He has his friends from the past that he keeps up with by phone, and I'm pretty much the same. I wonder if he acts as negatively around most people or just around me because he can?  The birth of my last child was two and a half years ago, and I'm still being treated for depression, so I've came to the conclusion that it's my environment and not chemical/hormonal issues that caused my depression. It doesn't matter what is the cause of's a terrible and misunderstood illness. There were a couple times within the past years that I've came fucking close to killing myself. I was at the final breaking point last fall. Thank goodness I found a mental health facility that would give low cost out-patient services to those who qualified. Prozac, Wellbutrin, and Klonopin saved my life. Six months later I still have tough days where I can barely make myself go, but at least I no longer consider suicide as an option to stop the pain. On those days when I feel the gray seeping back in I get scared that I'll end up back at the bottom and next time not be able to come  back up. The ONLY thing that made me want to seek help was the love I have for my 4 kids. I'm by nature a positive person, but when someone is CONSTANTLY surrounded by a person who finds fault with 9 out of 10 things you say or do it can be a real pain in the ass.

I've learned that I don't have to take the things he says to heart. In the end it really is more about him than me. I know who I am. I know what I stand for. I know what I'm capable of. I know what makes me happy and fulfilled. AND ALL THOSE THINGS ARE OK!!!!! even if he doesn't approve.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My First Post...AGAIN

  Well, it turns out that this blogging thing is a little harder than it looks. I've been trying to write my first post since I created the blog around the first of April. There's the little problem of what to write and how to write it. I've written and deleted about 100 post so far. But the biggest blog-blocker is being a mother with no time for herself. My 3 kids, ages 2,3,&4, keep me pretty busy. Of course, every time I sit down to write something on here they all think THEY'RE GOING TO DIE!!! if I don't spend this very moment on them. I can ignore The ear-splitting screeches from Hell but not the constant tugging of my arms and legs, or any reachable part of me.

I have a 22 year old son, and a 6 month old granddaughter in Virginia. I've never gotten to see her in person which is something that really bothers me, but we've taken a hit with the downturn of the economy the same as most people and just can't afford to use money on a big trip right now. Also, there are some personal issues that keep me from going which may, or may not, be revealed here.

My main goal for now is to have an outlet to vent some of my frustrations and disappointments, and a place to share whatever I feel like I need to

My days are filled with cooking, cleaning, playing, Prozac, Wellbutron, and Klonopin. I live such an exciting life I know. These things are what I do right now, in the near future, I'll be adding student to the list hopefully. I'd like to describe my relationship with my kid's father as Peaches-n-Cream or Rainbow Sherbert, but for the sake of keeping it real I'll say it's closer to Rocky Road. (Can ya tell I like ice cream?) We each love our kids, and we want our story to work out. I wish I could say it will, but I just don't know. We are TOTAL opposites in almost everything. I can deal with this, but it drives him crazy that we never seem to think alike. Sometimes I think he really wants an extension of himself but doesn't realize it. Maybe we loved what we thought we could be together without considering how hard it would be to make our personalities click. We have so many common interest that it seems crazy that we would share such different views on how to go about doing things.

He's a perfectionist; I don't notice little details. He's a 'Helicopter Parent'; I'm more of a 'Free-Range Parent'. He's bossy; I'm not. He could spend 2 straight weeks at home with not even a trip to the store; I HAVE to get out at least twice a week or I get antsy. He thinks he has all the right answers; I know I don't. The list goes on and on. The things that do drive me crazy are his expectations that I do things to his standards. Some how I managed to live 34 years without him , but now I have to be told the "best" way to wipe a baby's ass, sweep a floor, park a car, answer the phone...blah,blah,blah. Then he gets upset because I occasionally can't control an eye roll during one of his lectures?!?!?!