Thursday, June 30, 2011

Surprises About Me...MKLI writing prompts

Writing prompt from mamakatslosinit...(see badge above still can't seem to post it on an actual post)

Prompt:  people would be surprised to learn about.....
( This isn't a prompt from this week's choices but one from mamakat's writer's workshop inspiration ideas.)


Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.  *definition from Wikipedia

People who know me would be surprised that I'm interested in Polyamory. There is just something fascinating about this lifestyle to me. I'm not talking about the type of relationships that are generally accepted in certain fundamentalist religious groups. I want no part of anything that forces, or encourages, or makes 'normal' the marriage of young kids or unwilling participants. I'm more interested in the more modern twist to it.

In my opinion, if more than 2 adults (doesn't matter the ratio of men to women) can consent and be happy in this type of relationship they should be allowed to. Of course, everyone involved would have to share the same feelings and agree to the same rules. Kind of like the rules (vows) taken by a man and woman when they get married. Just like in any partnership whether it's between a man and woman, two people of the same sex or race, I believe there should be equality and respect, so I'm also not talking about a situation where one person is subordinate to another.

Of course, there is potential for jealousy , but that's the case in any relationship. I am NOT....IN ANY WAY....a jealous person. Either you like me and want me or you like and want someone else more. All I ask is if that end up being the case then let me know please. Don't try to bring me on a trip where I haven't been given all the details. Lying to me will make me angry....deciding you need to move on won't. People change. Life changes. Sometimes we have to adjust with it.

Back to my point, sorry.....
I'm not talking about a situation where everyone is sleeping with everyone....although if that's the rules other people agree on then o.k. If I were to ever decide to live my fantasy  it would be having a group of maybe 3 - 4 adults who all have common interest and beliefs sharing a life together. I like to be monogomous, so I'd prefer to only have one of the people as my sexual partner, and the others would have to work it out between themselves. We'd have a huge home or a couple of homes side by side to ensure each person has their own space without being too crowded. I mean if you have this situation and you love these people  then you would always have a helping hand around. All things wouldn't fall on the shoulders of one person if there is a good system set up. If something were to happen to you then you would know there is someone who would love and care for your kids. As a not so young mother with not a lot of close family a big concern of mine is that if something were to happen to me AND the Scrooge who would be capable of taking care of all 3 kids?

I'm sure this all sounds familiar because of the show Sister Wives. I love that family. I wish they could be left alone. I know they don't show their whole lives on a 1 hour per week show, but for the most part it looks like they've been successful at raising happy, respectful kids (and plenty of them). They each have an "area of expertise" if you will, and this seems to allow them more opportunities to do things they enjoy. My fantasy life would be something similar to that family with a few exceptions.

Of course this is just my FANTASY LIFE . I hope no one gets their panties in a bunch (now there's a dated saying). I have no intentions of dragging myself or my kids through the kind of drama that would bring on.It would just be too much hassle to deal with to make it worth it because it's so far out of the norm.

 I think the idea of having multiple people in a relationship gives me the idea that  if there was a problem with a partner I would still have other people in the home that would know what was going on, so this would help to not feel the loneliness I've felt in the past during Scrooge's silent treatments/emotional withdrawals or my first husbands drunken binges.  Also, as a SAHM, sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all that must be done especially when I think of doing this all with no close friends or family around. Having an extra, loving parent in the home would be a life-saver.
Anyway...that's my little secret...hope I don't offend any of the few people that check out my blog. If I do, it's ok...I love ya all anyway and invite you back with open arms anytime. I'm open-minded and all Mary Poppinish  like that.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Feeling Stronger

So Scrooge's lawyer called me. He wants me to drop the criminal charges, and continue with a modified injunction. Technically the state can decide to prosecute even if I don't wish them to.  The lawyer asked me to consider dropping the charges so that when Scrooge finishes his Engineering Degree he'll not have this hanging over his head. I realize that life being hard for Scrooge will only make things more difficult for my children's future. However, I can still keep the modified injunction order which would set limits on what he is allowed to do or not do. We could have contact, if I feel safe. If he says or does ANYTHING that I don't like he would go back to jail. I'm trying to decide what's best for my kids. Anything I do is not with the hope that Scrooge and I could get back together (I DON'T that), but that the kids will have the best possible future no matter how things work out between their father and I. I'm considering doing this with the condition that he has to be enrolled in an anger management  and counseling program. He said he'll agree to getting help.


Even though it's been hard being away from home with all the kids by myself and having them completely off their schedules it feels good to not have to walk on eggshells. I've bought them a few toys that Scrooge never would have approved of such as two little strollers and carseats for the girl's little dolls and some hot wheels cars for Zavie. These are all non-educational, just-for-fun, toys. I plan on getting them a couple more things if I can find some more things on Craigslist. I am against teaching my kids to be mindless consumers who just want, want, want, but I also believe they need things to play with that are just for playing and using their imagination.

It feels good to be more of a "normal" mom rather than more like a babysitter who has to follow the real parent's rules. Hell, even babysitters often get to set more of their own rules than me and the parents just have to decide it they can deal with those rules.

Weight Watchers Desserts

I guess maybe Weight Watchers didn't mean that I should eat a whole box of their Giant Chocalate Cookies-n-Crean bars with only 4 pts. each at one time?  

But they were sooo GOOD.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Unsolicited Parenting Advice...MKLI writing prompts

10 Things I'd like to say to strangers who give unsolicited parenting advice:

Remember these are things I WISH I could sometimes say. When it's been "one of those days" comments on my child's behavior can be the straw that broke the camel's back cause my kids DO NOT act bad all the time, and hey, they are people who have bad days too.

1.) (blank stare)....do you understand I can't comprehend a thing you're saying when my kid is screeching like a banshee?

2.) So how many tantrum-free toddlers did you manage to raise... Asshole? I use to share your beliefs...until I had kids.

3.) Oh? you wish this was your kid trying to act like this? I do too....Asshole!

4.) Yes..I'd rather continue shopping with my screaming kids than come back later or give in to what they want... ear plugs can be found in the pharmacy section and the exit is THAT way.

5.) Why don't you follow me and the kid around the store making that same face so the kid will be distracted and not screaming?

6.) Yes...I could remove the screaming toddler(s) from the store but ...you could remove YOURSELF from the store much easier than me if it bothers you that much.

7.) Most kids are home in bed by 9 or 10 p.m.... try coming out then.

8.) Yes...I realize I have 3 kids in a double stroller and they probably exceed the weight limit...but I figure it's safe since it can hold my fat ass up if I sit on it.

9.) If you're gonna stand there staring and minding my business you may as well go ahead and carry something for me or push the cart while I read this tabloid.

10.) No...I really don't think my 2 year old needs shoes on if I'm gonna be either carrying him or pushing him around in a cart.

and just one more...

11.) kind stranger: Can they each have a lollipop?
        me: no sorry we don't let them have sweets.
        kind stranger: (stiff upper lip smile) Oh Ok
    
Please don't look at me like I'm abusing my kids by not giving them candy on a regular basis or think that I would look down on you for letting your kids have a whole bag of skittles. It's just not THAT serious really...you just have your methods and I have mine. Right?

Why do people seem to get offended because they find out you don't let your kids do something they let their kids do?

Friends

One of my 2 best-friends (my sister being the other) lives here in Florida. I've been friends with her about 15 years I guess. She's the type of person who you can absolutely count on in any situation if it's within her ability to do. If she had a million dollars she'd probably end up giving half of it away to help people. She has a sister who I haven't been friends with for as long, but she has proved to be a great friend also. My kids and I visited her family on a couple of different days, but it just seems so weird having the kids visit someone else's home.

I am really thankful to have friends like them...hoping all kinds of good things come their way.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Emotions...these too will pass

I'm going through all these emotions right now. The kids are asleep and I'm here all by myself thinking. I'm scared. It's so important for kids to have their father active in their lives. Scrooge loves his kids dearly. I hope I did the right thing. In my heart I know I did for me, but some things make me doubt myself. Did I handle it properly for my kids? I mean so far the incidents have always been at night while they've been asleep in their rooms

Are anger problems like depression...something that can be treated with medicine?

 How am I going to make it all work? School? Work? I just wanted to be a stay at home mom and keep my kids at home the way I was never able to do with my oldest son!  I don't know if Scrooge will be emotionally able to handle going to school now. I don't know if he's already too far behind from missing classes Friday and probably tomorrow.  He has no close family. He had no one but his kids and me? Why do I even care so much after all that's happened?

None of my close friends have gone through this before, so they don't understand my doubts. I guess it's unfair to expect them to when I don't understand them myself. All I can do is sit here and watch  my babies faces as they sleep. Oblivious to all the problems going on around them.

I'm not just scared...I'm angry. Angry about being in this situation. Angry that it had to come to this. Angry that my kids are going to be introduced to crappy things way before they had to be. I wanted to give them all a nice, happy childhood with both parents around...just like I never had. I'm angry that someone I love could hurt me. I'm angry that I can't feel happy that that same person may be suffering emotionally too.At the same time, I'm thankful it doesn't extend to our kids. At least there is a silver lining to help keep me "sane".

It feels good just too write my feelings out. It feels good to know that these emotions I'm feeling will pass. Thanks Depression for at least teaching me that (another silver-lining), but you can still kiss my ASS.

Decisions

Today is Father's Day. I'm sitting in a hotel room with my children. I don't want to remain in the home because who knows how mad Scrooge will be since I called the police and had him arrested, filed a temporary injunction against him, and pressed charges. Statistics point to the fact that AFTER an injunction is filed and a separation has taken place that an abuse victim is in danger more than ever.  The control issues that are at the root of some abuse are brought to the surface when the abuser feels they have "lost"control and need to regain it.

At this point, it's up to the state prosecutors to do the rest. Since Thursday morning my days have been spent filling out papers, talking on the phone with victim advocates, people from pre-trial services, packing, etc....The night it happened DCF (dept. of children and families) arrived unannounced at 9:30 p.m. I almost fainted. The worker who came had to ask lots of questions, talk to the kids a little, and advise me of some places I could go and some things that they could help me with. I don't like the threats that were given that my kids could be take away if we move in together and the physical abuse happens again.

There are so many things to decide. So many things to think about and consider. The kids know everything is out of place. I think they are holding up wonderfully considering their lives and schedules have done a 180 since Thursday. I'm so, so, so tired. I wish I had a friend nearby who could just come and stay with me for a few hours so I can sleep a little and get outside for a few minutes alone.

My kids have never, not once, spent even five minutes without either me or their father around. I'm worried that when I start school in August and they have to go to daycare for the first time. Will it all be too much, too fast, to adjust to? Should I post-pone school until January until things have settled down a little and I'll have a better idea of what's happening?


Why does he only do this to me? How can he be so nice to everyone else? Even if we don't agree, I don't deserve this.

Where does the road go now?

 I had the idea that it would be easier to share things online with strangers who I'll most likely never meet. I guess some things are painful no matter what, and you just have to deal with it.

The Scrooge doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't hang out with the guys. He goes to school, studies, spends time with the kids, and that's about it. On the surface people would probably think that I'm really ungrateful and just don't appreciate his efforts. That's how he looks at me. The problem with Scrooge is that he has an anger problem. I guess it seems like I'm the only one it's directed at because he never really socializes anymore. There are so many things he does a great job at. He's an awesome father.... he loves his kids so much. He works hard to get through school to set an example for them hoping they'll go to college. These are all reasons that make it hard for me to put together what almost seems like the two different people he becomes when dealing with me. Unfortunately, it's the bad side I see most of the time.

Scrooge got arrested yesterday for domestic battery. It hurts me to write those words almost as much as the actual assault.  It hurts me even more that I was willing to let myself go through verbal abuse in hopes he would finally see the value in me and appreciate and love me. On the scale of physical abuse it wasn't severe compared to some stories, but it was abuse just the same.  I realized yesterday, after the incident, that somewhere along the way  the balance between us had shifted. I now see the repercussions of NOT calling the police as outweighing what may happen if I did call them. Was this shift in thought due to me valuing myself more since the depression is lifting? Was it a result of me seeing that things were escalating as they most always do in these situations and something may happen that can't be taken back? Who knows? Maybe it's all of these things.  Even a simple shove IS abuse when done in anger, and someone shouldn't get away with behaving that way toward another person.

It was a stupid, meaningless argument that wasn't really an argument but me trying to answer a question he asked. This led to the subject of my weight. He doesn't like women my size. I'm 5'2 and 156-159 lbs. I wouldn't get on the scale because I knew it would just be another reason for him to gripe if I hadn't lost enough recently. He ripped my shirt off by twisting it and pulling me to the bathroom scales. When he saw I had only lost 7 lbs. in 6 months he really started in with the insults. I'll spare all the language and details. After he went to sleep (I guess he was emotionally drained after that outburst) I thought about a few things. I decided that I wasn't doing myself, my kids, or him any good by not reporting the incident. It doesn't matter whether we were going to be together or not. He needs help because even though the kids were asleep in their room , they will suffer effects from all the tension in the house. He needs to be able to function with other people also.

 I hope he works things out for his sake and the sake of our kids. There are so many options that I have to weigh out within the next week. It's a little overwhelming. Like today I had to spend about 3 hours dealing with paper work at the courthouse....with all three little ones. Yesterday we got off their schedule obviously, so they were unable to sleep soundly until around 2 a.m. (they normally sleep from 8 p.m. to 6:30 a.m.). Today we were STILL unable to get back on schedule. The A/C on the truck broke, and it's been upper 90's here in Florida the last few days,...we were stuck in city driving (20 mph) while nice and hot, sleepy, tired, needing lunch.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

If 40 is the new 30 then 3 is the new 13

I think Zaurie is suffering from PMS at 3. I mean she has seriously had some attitude with her brother and sister for the last week. She's happy one minute, and then the slightest thing Zindie does will set her off. This results in an ear-splitting, half yelling, half crying, scream. After this week, I'd say that if our windows could withstand the pressure from the shrieks, then hopefully, we probably won't have to worry about boarding the windows if we're unlucky enough to get any hurricanes this year.

I managed to survive my son's teen years, but I don't know if it's going to be so easy with my 2 girls. They all ready bicker over clothes. I can only imagine what it'll be like in a few years. Hopefully, I'll have all ready gone through menopause. Three women in one house going through monthly hormone fluctuations might just be too much. The only other women I've ever shared a home with was my grandmother, aunt (when she was over 60), and my sister (who worked a different shift than me), so I've no clue what it's going to be like when my girls hit puberty. I guess this week is just a sneak peek. YIKES!!!

Concerning 40 is the new 30 bit...well I'll be 40 in about 2 months, and I DON'T feel like I'm 30.

Monday, June 13, 2011

My Monday Morning

~*sigh* It would be nice to sit here to write and read blogs without someone trying to swing me around on my swivel chair, or fight over who's going to sit closest to me (while all 3 are piled up on my lap), or not have a big wet spot on my pants leg where A CERTAIN 2 YR. OLD WHO REFUSES TO USE THE POTTY- has another leaky cloth diaper. My day would just be too boring without all these little ones keeping me company though.

~Every now and then Scrooge decides he's going to try to be nice to me. I think he has a radar and can pick up on when I'm about to reach the end of my rope with his complaining (me sobbing uncontrollably in the bathroom might be the tip-off). Whatever. I'm thankful for these times however short they are. He can usually only pull it off for about a week then it's back to the SOS. I love the Scrooge from this weekend. I like to be able to remember why I fell for him and wanted to have his kids.

~Today (translating to hopefully sometime this week) I'm going to try making some hand and finger puppets to send to my #1 grandbaby in Va. Tommy told me she's starting to really like playing with her little stuffed animals and laughs really hard whenever they pretend the stuffed animals are talking to her. I'm thinking she'll like the puppets. Ohhh..she just looks like a little chubby angel in her pics. I'm already looking forward to the future when she'll be able to come spend a week or two here in Florida with grammy..granny..grandma???? it's still kind of weird to think of being old enough to be a grandmother, so I have trouble imagining what she'll call me.

~I'm beginning to get some ripe tomatoes on my two tomato plants. I've tried growing just two kinds and a watermelon because here in Central Florida it gets so hot during the days. I wasn't sure how they would grown with the heat, and I wasn't sure how much water is enough but not too much. The cherry tomatoes have been getting ripe for a few days. The Better Boy plant has been a little late. It's only got 3 tomatoes that are just starting to ripen. Both plants have developed some type of disease. I've been using an organic plant soap spray that's suppose to treat bug infestations and certain fungal diseases. It's seemed to work to discourage most bugs from what I can see. But the leaves are turning yellow then brown and shriveling up. I'm sure it's not a lack of water, and reasonably sure it's not from too much water. I thought it may be a type of blight, but it's hard to tell by trying to compare pics from the internet. I need to find someone locally who grows tomatoes, and get some tips from them I guess. The watermelon is growing, but the leaves are getting rust spots on them. The thing I miss the most from being back in Va. is getting fresh veggies from the garden and sharing or trading with the neighbors who've grown something different.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Feeling Free....MKLI writing prompt

Four months shy of my oldest son's 18th birthday he joined a GED/military program in Virginia on an army base where his uncle worked. I quit one job I'd had for 9 years and another I'd had for 3 years, packed up my trunk with things I wanted to keep and headed for Florida. I feel out-of-whack when I'm surrounded by clutter, so giving away and selling all my extra stuff was cool.

I had my few possessions, a 6-disc cd changer and plenty of cd's. I love driving and was looking forward to the drive to a new life. A new me. A change of scenery since I'd lived in the same small town for 34 of my 34 years on the planet...starting college.

I left late one night in August of 2005. After a quick stop for a 24 oz. coffee(leaded for me), a full tank of unleaded for my car, and a few packs of Newports (still smoked then) me, my cd's, road atlas, phone, and google directions were off. God it felt so good to feel FREE. There was little traffic on the road. I had the windows rolled down, and music pounding. I stopped when and wherever I wanted to with no one to gripe about having to stop AGAIN. No one asking "Are we there yet?" No one griping about how I was driving. After a couple hours of sleep at a rest stop it was back on the road time again. When the sun started coming up soon after that I felt like I was being reborn. It was such a beautiful feeling. I felt like I probably would've felt if I hadn't gotten pregnant at 16 and would've been going off to college. I had never been with just me because since I was 16 I had always had responsibilities and someone to take care of. My son. A non-working spouse. That trip was such a symbol of what it's truly like to feel independent and free. Free from always trying to keep others happy without thinking of what I want or need.

That was the first time I'd had that feeling, and I've never felt that feeling since then. I met Scrooge a few months after getting in Florida.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Dear daughter...MKLI writing prompt

This entry will be from a writing prompt found on MAMAKATSLOSINIT blog. I haven't quite figured out how to get the badgy thing on my actual post, but hopefully I'll be figuring that out soon.

The prompt was: Write a letter to yourself from someone who has passed on. (ie: parent, grandparent, famous person, friend, pet, etc)

Dear daughter,
I would like to apologize for not making the effort to be  part of your life after your father and I divorced when you were a year old. At first, I was just too young to be much of a mother. Then I was worried about suddenly popping into your life  since I knew you had your father, grandparents, and plenty of aunts and uncles that loved you. Then I was ashamed....how could I explain to a young girl why I had basically handed her over and went on with my life without making an attempt to be a real mother? Then it just became awkward when I saw you as you were a teenager. It seemed like we never really knew how to act around each other. Then as I saw you grow into a young woman who had her own child at 17, and worked very hard to give him whatever he needed despite being in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic/addict who rarely worked, I felt grateful that your father had done such a good job raising you. I saw you struggling even though you never called and asked for anything. It took a lot of nerve for me to call and speak to you about not being there as your mother. It felt wonderful to let you know how proud I was of you. I heard through the grapevine of the terrible things your husband often put you through. Yet, you remained strong, and independent, raising your son the best you could. I had truly hoped this was a beginning for us, but I guess sometimes things are just too awkward and difficult to overcome. I've made so many mistakes as your mother that I don't feel as if I have the right to hold that title. I'm glad you are a loving person. I never felt any judgement from you. Only love. I love you.

Mom

My return letter:

Dear Doris,
I hope you're not offended that I call you Doris, but it seems a little awkward to call you 'mom'. Not that I don't consider you my mother. I know we never lived over 20 minutes apart before I was 25, and I sometimes wondered why we didn't see each other more than once every year or so. I did always love you and was happy to see you whenever I did. I can say I never really had bad feelings toward you or even thought about it really often. I guess that's because I was so young when you left that I didn't know what it was like to be around you a lot. My dad and I lived with my grandparents, so I guess I just kind of thought of my grandmother as my 'mom'. I'm also happy you reached out to me and explained why you were never there. I never thought you didn't love me, and after that I knew for sure you did. I was glad to let you know I never judged you. You made the decisions you thought were best at the time. We can't go back and redo things after we find out the outcome. I made mistakes as a parent. You made mistakes as a parent. My dad made mistakes...the same as any other parent. Your greatest gift to me was encouraging me and my younger sister to meet each other for dinner. We were 9 years apart, and I hadn't really saw much of her after she was an adult. We both admitted that first night that we almost backed out. I'm glad we didn't . It's strange that we could be raised in totally different homes and have so much in common. We spent maybe 4 hours at that first dinner talking about EVERYTHING, and we've been best friends ever since. We've both lost our brother, Toby, and you, and our fathers, and grandparents. We have remained close. That gift to me was the best thing ever, and I thank you. RIP Mom

Love,
 your daughter

Monday, June 6, 2011

Terrible Two's

I have some extra time to write today because I'm giving in and letting Big Bird and Sid the Science Kid  help me out today. I've declared today national TV day around here. Since they rarely get to watch more than an hour  and a half of TV (if at all) they are eating it up. Except for Zavie who seems determined to turn it into SIT IN FRONT OF MY SISTERS AND MAKE THEM SCREAM DAY. Zavie may just be the most stubborn of all my 4 kids at 2 years old. After he's been told to sit still, he'll sit still, but roll his eyes back/forth/up/down/blink continuously just to show that he's still gonna move SOMETHING..... Smart Ass. But I could still just gobble him up. He knows how to use his little curls, dimples, and big, brown eyes on his sisters and me.

It's amazing that he can actually sit down and hold a conversation with me for about 10 whole seconds. It means he's growing up and WHEW!!! Hopefully that means I'll be able to get him potty-trained soon...maybe by college?. Considering his attitude about actually using the potty for what it's intended for I have my doubts. Here's to hoping they make pull-ups in size 32waist.

So dear Sisters (or Brothers) how do you handle your battles with PPD or just Depression and balance relationships with your kids and significant others?

Being Thankful

I finally had enough of the complaining from Scrooge by Saturday night. I just couldn't stop crying because of a whole combination of things that are going on at once. I felt overwhelmed with hurt and frustration. I just told him that I can't understand why he complains so much. We have  healthy kids. We are not in danger of losing our home. We are not in danger of not being able to pay utilities or buy food. We are on a very tight budget. We only turn on our A/C from around 4 p.m. to 9 p.m. to cool it off enough to be comfy at night. It gets a little stuffy during the day, but it's not going to kill us when it gets up to 85 degrees in the house. We spend less than $75 per week on groceries because I use coupons and buy store brand items. Also we don't eat a lot of meat so that helps with the grocery bill. Ummmm....think I got off subject for a min.

My point is that even though we have to budget carefully we have the money to live. We have health and someone to count on if we'd just stop being enemies. LOTS of people just don't have these necessities these days. We do. I'm so grateful.

Friday, June 3, 2011

I Wish

I'm trying to stay positive because I know my own thoughts have a major impact on my depression. How can I do this when almost everyday is spent facing criticism from the Scrooge. I just can't seem to do anything right. According to him everything that's wrong is a result of something I'm doing, and everything that's right is a result of everything he's doing. Even the few things he gives me credit for like the kids learning at a decent pace he usually takes partial credit for. After all...I wouldn't be working with them as much if it wasn't at his insistence. I would probably let them have lots of free time without constructive activities.

I don't "bring anything to the table" except my willingness to argue (his words for expressing my opinion) even though he's always the one who is disagreeing with all most anything or everything I say/do. "Why can't you just at least not argue with me?", he says. When I don't argue and just be quiet and listen then I'm "just letting everything go in one ear and out the other because if I was really listening and trying to understand then I would be able to address his point and stop making the same mistakes."

In the almost 6 years we've been together he's spent no more than 25 hours around my oldest son, yet he always uses him as an example of why I don't know how to be an effective parent. The fact that my son's father was a physically abusive spouse to me because of a drug and alcohol addiction couldn't have anything to do with my son's attitude toward me. The fact that after I left his dad when my son was 10 and then his dad and dad's family said terrible things about me in front of my son has nothing to do with my son's attitude toward me. The fact that his dad was arrested for breaking a restraining order  by coming to my house (when I was there alone) and cut my power and phone lines (with the closest neighbor about 1/4 mile away) during the night and tried to break in forcing me to jump out a window and run through the woods to my neighbors house has nothing to do with my son's behavior. The fact that my son's father forced him to go along and be with him (my son  was 16) while he broke into a house and stole some stuff had nothing to do with my son's attitude. According to Scrooge it's mostly because my parenting techniques are all wrong. I am not a perfect parent, and I do struggle with being "firm", but I think these things pale in comparison to arguing and abuse going on in a home.

I'm tired of crying everyday. I know it's only going to become worse when my meds run out. Then my crying will be an emotional breakdown due to me not having my "anti-depressant crutch" instead of his constant criticism. After all, rational people accept criticism for what it is....just a way to point out something that could be approved on.
I'm not a weak person. I use to try to reason with him. My failure was not knowing the right things to do and say to put a stop to his behavior toward me from when it first began. Now I just get too emotionally tired to deal with him. Anything I say to him "just doesn't make sense, or shows that I don't take him seriously, and don't respect him (how does he really expect me to?)." I could do so much better without him. I just pray I can hold on until we both can finish the next 2 years of school and the kids will be a bit bigger then we can revisit our options.

I can see how people have affairs now. Especially emotional affairs. I miss having someone to talk to. Someone to laugh with, and enjoy life with. I'm sure he often feels the same way. Scrooge will only be in school half a day today and will be back very early. FUCKING YAY!!! I only have about 2 more hours of peace. I believe he has a personality disorder to have such mood swings over the course of weeks. I wish we could go for help. I wish I wasn't losing my mental health care to treat my depression. I wish I could have the last 5 years back and do things a bit different and still keep my same little ones.

Fuck.... I'm don't mean to be such a complainer too. I just have no where else to unload some of this negativity that's dumped on me constantly.