Monday, November 14, 2011

Food for thought

I moved back in (temporarily) with Scrooge last week, so I often find myself sneaking food because I know it's only a matter of time until he gets mad and my weight comes up ...AGAIN...and my little snacks will be brought front and center. At 5'2 and 155 pounds he was already unhappy about my since I'm 175 I can't believe it hasn't came up yet.
I'm so unhappy living with him and having to deal with him on a regular basis. The only good part about moving back in is being here constantly for the kids. Everything else is bullshit. He just likes to be too negative about everything, and no matter WHAT goes his eyes I'm always in the wrong. Zavie had an ear infection diagnosed by the Dr...explained to Scrooge that Dr. said not to worry if we see drainage because his ear drums could burst..this would not be uncommon and he would need to have some eardrops called in if that happened. I already knew that hearing loss could result from ear infections, but I forgot to mention that to Scrooge. When he was taking care of Zavie the next day and realized Zave couldn't hear AT ALL that day he was panicking. I mentioned having not thought about it until Wes mentioned it, but it seemed like that Zave had misunderstood some things I said at bedtime and that it must have been some hearing loss going on then. Of course, this made Scrooge mad....why wouldn't I share something so important with him? (never mind I had THREE sick kids, I was sick, and home work to take care of).

Scrooge went to the grocery yesterday, and he had bought a La choy sweet n sour chicken kit for dinner. I held the box up and asked him if he realized that this was the very stuff he had told me TWICE in the past that he didn't like. He even got upset the second time I got it (since he had already told me he didn't like it) until he found out I got it for me because I like it. Anyway, he asked me what it was he hadn't liked about it. I said ..I don't know something about the taste...he said I can't just tell him he didn't like something and not go into details and expect him to remember because I could just be saying that or mixed up myself.

I said I didn't really think it was important for me to remember why HE didn't like long as I remembered he didn't like it and not make it for him any more. In the end, he was feeling like I was just arguing and not listening to his logic because I just wanted to be argumentative. He tried it and said it was ok, but there was something about that sweet n sour taste he hadn't liked. I mentioned that yes I remembered (after he mentioned it) he didn't like the sweet n sour and it was why he didn't want me to make it for him anymore. Then he gets upset because "now I'm changing my story"? He said I should have said specifically what it was he didn't like instead of just referring to "this" when I held the box up to him that morning and said he didn't like this. I tried to explain that if I'm holding something in my hand you could probably assume when I say "this" I mean SPECIFICALLY what I have in my hand. Of course..this is me being argumentative instead of him just being an ass.

Around last weekend he said (again) that he finally saw me making an effort to do things differently. I was "on my game" and he finally felt like I was trying to "be on the same page". This he has said several times in the past whenever we have went a few weeks with him getting mostly everything he wants and no arguing. When he said this I felt worried because in my experience him saying this means a downward spiral in the way we relate. I try to do everything the same way and maybe try harder, but everything just seems to be wrong. Then he starts feeling like I'm being argumentative just to be argumentative and all of his problems become rolled up in that. He starts moping around and getting hardly anything done. We have little discussions that will continually escalate over a few days or a month and then there will be a big blow-up where I end up crying, feeling disrespected, verbally abused, and promising and trying to "do better" and not be a drag to him and his education and goals. It's a cycle of abuse that is never ending with us and I just enable it to happen. I just feel so encouraged by the little peaceful times that THIS time things could actually be better. I can usually even tell when he's gonna start all this stuff. He is in good moods, non-complaining, productive, and more pleasant to be around than he usually is. Then he seems a little "off" for a day or two. He rallies enough to say he notices "improvements" and then we start down the other side.

I feel he very possibly has bi-polar, but getting him to agree to help or counseling will only escalate things. He'll take offense that I'm trying to say he's the one who needs the most help, and that will just "prove" to him that I've slowly and surely resorted back to my old ways.

I know this post is rambling, but that's the way my mind feels when things get like this between Scrooge and I.

I have to go...I'm feeling hungry


Arnebya said...

I want you to get out so badly. It sounds like the most depressing, unstable environment for you and your children. Regardless of him possibly being bipolar, he is abusive and disrespectful and you are unhappy and deserve better. I know it's hard financially and I know there were issues w/him having custody, but I implore you to get legal help (find out where a free legal aid or clinic is) and just get as much information as you can. It won't be easy, but you deserve it. And I know that you know you do.

SisterSister said...

Thank you for stopping by and leaving these encouraging words...sometimes even when we know something ourselves it's a big help to have encouragement.

Thanks :)