Tomorrow's A New Day

Some days I really just don't know if I can go on. It seems easier to give up. It seems like the nicer I try to be the worse things get for me. I feel sick to my stomach. I cry for a few minutes then I'm ok for a few hours. I just don't know how to get off this emotional roller coaster that Scrooge has me on without causing someone some hurt somewhere along the way.

I feel hopeless. Really honest to god hopeless because I feel like I've done everything possible to make things work, keep things peaceful for everyone. He only treats me like this. Is it because there is no one else around, or is it because he just knows he can and get by with it?

I wonder what he would do if there just wasn't any me around to dig into? Would he be sorry for the way he treated me? Would he say sorry, but I still didn't do anything wrong? Does he know why and what he's doing is wrong, or is it just a game? He gets offended that I would suggest that someone with his desire to do good for his family would stoop to playing games.

I guess I really am a bad mother to even consider leaving my life behind and three little ones. I can't help but feel that they would be better off if something happened to me while they're young. I can't imagine living a lifetime of being caught up in this situation. I just can't. I'll make myself sick at the very least.

Oh he's changed his actions since all the stuff with court is over. He doesn't yell. I'm sure he doesn't want to go back down THAT road again. He hasn't changed his words and attitude about me. Thank god I have anti-depressants and anxiety meds. If I wasn't still on those who knows what shape I'd be in or if I'd even be alive. I don't think I would be. Maybe I'm not, and I'm in some kind of hell for committing suicide, and my misery jusy keeps going on forever and ever.

When I feel like this I always tell myself that it's just in this moment that things feel this way. Just wait it out, and let it pass. I'll talk to my sister, and we'll cry and laugh about each other's lives and feel better. "Tomorrow. Tomorrow. I love  me tomorrow it's only a day away........"Annie