Monday, October 17, 2011

Tomorrow's A New Day

Some days I really just don't know if I can go on. It seems easier to give up. It seems like the nicer I try to be the worse things get for me. I feel sick to my stomach. I cry for a few minutes then I'm ok for a few hours. I just don't know how to get off this emotional roller coaster that Scrooge has me on without causing someone some hurt somewhere along the way.

I feel hopeless. Really honest to god hopeless because I feel like I've done everything possible to make things work, keep things peaceful for everyone. He only treats me like this. Is it because there is no one else around, or is it because he just knows he can and get by with it because I try to keep things as peaceful as possible for the kiddos?

I wonder what he would do if there just wasn't any me around to dig into? Would he be sorry for the way he treated me? Would he say "sorry, but I still didn't do anything wrong"? Does he know why and what he's doing is wrong, or is it just a game? He gets offended that I would suggest that someone with his desire to do good for his family would stoop to playing games.

Oh he's changed his actions since all the stuff with court is over. He rarely yells. I'm sure he doesn't want to go back down THAT road again. He hasn't changed his words and attitude about me. Thank god I have anti-depressants and anxiety meds. If I wasn't still on those who knows what shape I'd be in or if I'd even be alive. I don't think I would be. Maybe I'm not, and I'm in some kind of hell for committing suicide, and my misery just keeps going on forever and ever.

When I feel like this I always tell myself that it's just in this moment that things feel this way. Just wait it out, and let it pass. I'll talk to my sister, and we'll cry and laugh about each other's lives and feel better tomorrow.

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